"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." ~ Gilda Radner

Friday, February 25, 2011


So while I was at the basketball game last night, my hubby decided to have a little fun and hammered out a quick reality check for yesterday's blog post regarding the 1955 "Good Wife's Guide".

And so, for your end-of-the-work-week entertainment this fine Friday, I give you the 2011 Stressed Out Wife's Guide.

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Yeah, right. We've both been working our buns off, we've hit every fast food joint within a 15-minute drive of the house and nothing sounds good. Even if we could agree on some decent carry out,  there's not a clean plate from which to eat the stuff.  Hell, I haven't planned a meal since I torched the turkey at Thanksgiving. And yes, I have been thinking of him...why can't he stop the damn toilet from running or admit defeat and call a plumber?
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Excuse me? You got a problem with my makeup? You bet I've got a ribbon, and I know just where I'm going to put it, and it's not in my hair...
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • His boring day needs a lift? Seriously?  I just spent two hours talking a raging mother down off the ledge because her big screen TV wasn't repaired in time for her daughter's princess-themed birthday party.  He should be thankful his day was boring.  
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.
  • Sorry. The tables are covered with all the bills we can't pay, and the dust covers up the total amounts that we owe. Can't clear the clutter. It's holding down the cheap Wal-Mart rug we bought to cover the dog's chew marks.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • His haven of rest and order has been Joe's Corner Tap since we've been married, so let them feel that immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • This is actually do-able. The vacuum died the day I sucked up the kid's pet hamster after hitting Happy Hour at Applebee's on Strawberry Daiquiri Night. Easy to keep the washer and dryer quiet cause I can't find them under the mountain of laundry in the basement. The kids are quiet because I scolded them for being too noisy and scaring their hamster away.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • See him? I can't stay up that late waiting for him to come home.  Got to go to work bright and early for my morning arse chewing because I haven't hit my quota since I sucked the hamster up in the vacuum.  I'll be happy when he hands over his paycheck at the end of the week.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • I would greet him with a warm smile but  I chipped a tooth during that little escapade at Applebee's Strawberry Daiquiri Night, and my dental plan has been cancelled.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Listen to him I would if he could just articulate a simple sentence after stopping off at Joe's Corner Tap.  Forget the dozen important things I have to tell him. How about just this one: Sell the damn Mustang so we can pay off some of those bills sitting on the dusty table.
  • Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  • He is the complaints and problems. Okay, so maybe betting his entire paycheck on the Steelers might have been a gutsy call, but my Cheesehead friends had been predicting that upset for a long time.
  • Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Oh, believe you me, what he has gone through at work is minor to what he's going to go through when he gets home.  I've slogged through hell all week myself and if he even thinks about staying out all night he may not live to see the weekend.

  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • I have the perfect drink for him. Tastes a tad like bitter almonds, but it will make him comfortable. So comfortable, perhaps, he may forget to breathe.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Low tones are all he can hear anymore anyway. And I always speak in a soothing and pleasant manner. As in, "No, my love, I'm not holding the pillow over your face. I'm simply trying to make you comfortable."
  • Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • See that little house out in the backyard with the name "Rover" painted on it? He is welcome to share that house with Rover, who will never question his judgement or integrity.  He is the master of that house.
  • A good wife always knows her place.
  • I do know my place.  It's at the top of the food chain, baby. So go ahead. Make my day.

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