I can't say for sure that I have officially hit the menopause mark since that would mean I have gone 12 months without having a period. And while I think it's been a year, I can't swear to it because I cannot for the life of me remember exactly when my last period was.
Hence, another sign that I am more than likely menopausal -- or at least very perimenopausal -- I have cotton balls and tapioca for brains these days. I can't remember squat.
But therein lies the good news!
If everything I have read thus far in the hilarious Menopause Sucks...What To Do When Hot Flashes Make You and Everyone Else Miserable is true, then if I AM menopausal and have so lost a rather large chunk of my memory, I am -- for once in my life -- PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Written by Joanne Kimes and Elaine Ambrose, Menopause Sucks appears to be the perfect "how to" book for navigating one's way through the sea of change that accompanies this "interesting" -- and hormonally inevitable -- stage in a woman's life.
Just a few pages into it, and I am hooked...
Like Kimes says, we may not know exactly when our journey into The Change of Life begins...
"It could hit you as you happily drive to the coffee shop to get a tall caramel macchiato," she writes. "At the takeout window you hear Andy Williams crooning Moon River. Suddenly you're sobbing hysterically until the cutie pie at the window hands you the coffee and mumbles that it's on the house ma'am and do you want an almond biscotti with that? You take six, and drive away."
OMG! Is that not the truest description of a first hint that estrogen is packing its bags and leaving your body?
Now, I am also starting to read, "The High School Reunion Diet...Lose 20 Years in 30 Days". I was hoping there was a "Lose 35 Years In 5 Months And 18 Days" edition, but there is not. And after skimming about Menopause Sucks, I am sensing that the two books may cross each other out, so to speak.
Sadly, it appears that my reality (menopause and weight gain seemingly at the speed of light) and my dream (looking like Jennifer Aniston by my class reunion June 26, 2010) are destined to never mesh.
Enter my third new book that I am perusing...The Nancy Drew Cookbook...Clues To Good Cooking.
I really just ordered it because I needed a few more bucks on my order for free shipping...
But it spoke to me because A). I can't cook and B). I always wanted to be Nancy Drew, sassy sleuth.
What Nancy Drew fan can resist such tempting recipes as those for "Togo Dogs", "Ned's Potato Pancakes" or "Invisible Intruder's Coconut Custard"?
Obviously, I can't decide what to do...lose weight (if it is even possible at this point) or eat suspiciously delicious treats?
Ack! Indecision! Yet another sign that the hormones, they are a changin'...
Oh, well...guess I'll just sleep on it...if only I could sleep! Dratted insomnia! Another menopausal annoyance...
Well, must get back to my fantastic new book, Menopause Sucks!
If only I could remember where I left it...