PAGING DR. OZ

Somewhere, over the rainbow, is a thinner, healthier me.  I just know it.

I have searched for her since, well, since I can remember.  The Cottage Cheese and Cantaloupe Diet in the 70s...The Scarsdale Diet and Diet Center in the 80s...E-Diets in the 90s...Weight Watchers  just last year...

And yet, here I sit, schlumped at my computer, practically back up to my pregnancy weight, donned in John's pajamas because they're more comfortable than mine. I am dreading getting dressed for work because I cannot zip my jeans without putting my bloated bod in one of those  gotta-lay-on-the-bed denim strangleholds  in order to trick my jeans into thinking my stomach is flatter than it really is.

Next to said bed, of course, is a pile of my most recent ill-fated diet/exercise literary endeavors. The Reunion Diet. The SPARK (The 28-Day Breakthrough Plan for Losing Weight, Getting Fit, and Transforming Your Life).  Prevention Magazine.  Menopause Sucks.

OK, so Menopause Sucks isn't a diet/exercise book, per se, but it is by my bed. And the truth is, menopause does suck because what used to take off the weight quickly in the pre-menopause years, just doesn't work now that the estrogen -- like my once fleeting youth --  is gone. Yup. They both done flett.

But there are women my age who look and feel great.  I've seen them.  And not just in Prevention Magazine. If other women my age can lose weight and keep it off, and feel better, why, oh, why can't I?

That was exactly the thought crossing my mind last night when I happened upon Dr. Oz and his latest health challenge while Googling. (If only that counted as exercise.)

It's called Move It and Lose It.  And I desperately need to do both, though spending my days sleeping in a bed of poppies, as it were -- a big bowl of buttery popcorn by my side for a little snack when I wake up -- is more my style.

Indeed, I've started walking with Leslie Sansone in the morning,  and I will most likely continue to do that. But Dr. Oz and his FREE 11-week challenge offers a personalized diet plan and exercise plan, the advise of professional trainers...

I figured it is worth a shot.  So I registered.

"CONGRATULATIONS ANN KULT!  YOU ARE NOW ON YOUR WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT!" reads the confirmation email from Dr. Oz. "GET GOING NOW!"

While I await my log-in and further Move It and Lose It instructions, I am to clear my mind AND my fridge...simply rid my mind of any negative thoughts I may have about  fitness programs (who, me?) and  open my refrigerator and throw away anything that could sabotage my success.

10-4, Doc.

(Thankfully, I don't keep the peanut M&Ms in the fridge...ba-da-bump.)

Seriously, though, despite my past track record of yo-yo dieting for the last 40 years, I am looking forward  to getting started...again.

I must confess, however, that  I do feel a tish like Dorothy of Kansas when the Wizard of Oz instructed her, and her buds, The Lion, The Tin Man and The Scarecrow, to go fetch the witch's broom.  Losing weight at this point in my life -- even with the help of on-line personal trainers -- seems a rather daunting, nay, impossible task.

But I, Ann of Iowa, will just dig in my heels and repeat, "There's no weight like lost weight. There's no weight like lost weight."

I just hope the personal trainers aren't flying monkeys.

I hate those guys...