SEX, CLUTTER AND WEIGHT LOSS

One of the exciting aspects of my life as a grocery schlepper is that I get to check in the magazines every Monday morning...

Yes, I start off my week with all the dish on all the Hollywood stars at my fingertips -- The National Inquirier and The Globe (both magazine journalism icons, I know), and I speed read all the helpful how-to stuff in all the women's magazines -- Woman's Day, Family Circle, Cosmopolitan, Glamour -- as I check them off on the sheet.

Lately, while perusing the headlines, it has come to my attention that women's magazine publishers/editors apparently believe there are only three things that women really care about: sex, clutter and weight loss.

And not necessarily in that order.

I think, actually, that it all has to do with the age group a magazine is marketed toward.

I mean, let's be honest...Cosmo and Glamour are not geared toward women 50 and over. Probably more like women 18-25. And those are the mags, filled with pics of bone-thin temptresses in little or no garb, inviting you to read up on all the advice you will ever need need to sexually satisfy your man.

(I usually stick those mags on the back shelf...I mean, this IS a family grocery store...)

I think the mag publishers and editors figure that women from 25 to 35 are busy putting all that sex advice to work, seducing men willy nilly, and don't have time to read. Until they get married, that is. And a few kids come along. And the varicose veins start popping up, and they develop those little belly pouches.

And suddenly, or so it is presumed, women aged 35 and over don't really care if Mr. Studley is satisfied sexually. The mag publishers and editors then apparently figure that these women look and feel frumpy and would rather putz around the house in a shift, clean, and read women's mags while wolfing down bon-bons. They figure these women need a little encouragement.

Check out this month's Woman's Day:

"Get Rid of Clutter For Good"

"Trim That Tummy in Just 3 Weeks"

"How To Look 5,10, 15 Years Younger!"

Last month's Woman's Day issue?

"Walk Off Weight! New 4-Week Plan!"

"38 Super-Speedy Ways To Clean!"

"Dress 10 Pounds Thinner!"

"One Minute Health Busters"

Or check out this month's Family Circle:

"Get Slim Fast!"

"Clear The Clutter! Quick And Easy Organizing!"

And do you know what I bet most of that "clutter" is?

Why, back issues of Cosmo and Glamour, of course.

Well, gotta get back to work.

I'll have to wait for my lunch break to read about Lindsay Lohan's secret affair that destroyed her life...