CELEBRATING THE BLISS

Postmenopausal bliss.

Not an oxymoron. Nor is it an imaginary or estrogen therapy-induced state of mind.

It's real, I tell you!

I know because I feel it, nay, I rejoice in it, every time some young woman plunks down a package of Always Extra Heavy Overnight Maxi Pads With Flexi-Wings on the checkout counter at the grocery store where I work.

Eee-gads am I glad to be done with those!

(I understand they now offer Always Infinity Heavy Flow pads.  Really?  Infinity?  If you are always flowing heavy for infinity, you need an emergency room doctor, darlin', not a sanitary napkin. But I digress.)

Yes, never having to purchase those bothersome female doodads ever again is, I have discovered over the past few years, just one of the many jolly aspects of no longer having a monthly menstrual ordeal.

No more worrying about sitting on white furniture during "that time of the month", or having to tie a jacket around my waist as I try to hold my legs together while attempting to nonchalantly hobble out of a room...backwards...to avoid a leaky embarrassment.

No more frightening, maniacal bouts of  PMS!


Joyful! Joyful! Oh, how I (and my family and friends) adore and appreciate thee, my darling postmenopausal bliss!

And no more secretly stashing squares of semi-sweet baking chocolate in my underwear drawer for those "break open in case of  dire hormonal emergency and gorge" moments.

Oh, if  only I had a nickel for every Midol or other pain reliever I popped over that 40-year span of estrogen-laced hell...

Granted, I still buy Aleve in the convenient economy size and curl up regularly with a heating pad. But -- hippity hip hooray! -- it's only for mildly annoying arthritis symptoms not debilitatingly painful menstrual cramps.

And I'd be lying if I said I'd given up chocolate.

I love chocolate.

I just don't hide it in my underwear drawer anymore.

So, if you, or someone you love, is postmenopausal, postpone the party no longer! Celebrate the bliss!

Perfect gift for the jubilant woman who is from-now-on-till-forever period free?

Why, 231 Other Ways To Use A Sanitary Napkin: The Ultimate Recycling Guide For Women Who Have Moved On, by Karen Isaacson, of course!

Happy Friday!