WHAT A GIRL WANTS, WHAT A GIRL NEEDS...

...is rarely what a girl gets...

Unless of course, you happen to love coon huntin' and are married to/involved with/in a committed relationship with an avid coon hunter(which, fortunately, I do not and am not, respectively)...

But if you and/or your significant other DO happen to love huntin' them cute and furry little four-footed apple polishers, well, then have I got a great little catalogue for you...I mean it is chock full of perfect Christmas gift ideas for the hard-to-shop for coon huntin' enthusiast and/or his woman.

It's the Holiday 2007 NiteLite Master Catalogue. And I am not sure how one arrived at our house addressed to my husband, but it's excellent fodder for a Saturday a.m. blog...

I mean, forget Victoria's Secret, ladies and gents...

(From here on in, it's best if you read the following lingerie descriptions, etc., outloud with your best Jeff Foxworthy/redneck Batavia, OH (or better yet, Mt. Orab) twang, to get the full, comedic effect...my editorial comments, of course, will be in italics and parenthesis.)

Ready...get your twang set...go...

This holiday season, why not surprise the little woman with a hot number from the NiteLite Cabin Fever Collection...

(And I quote) "Our Cabin Fever Collection items are made of comfortable 5 oz. microdenier polyester. The tops feature exceptional comfort and durability, while the pants feature front pockets (pockets? in lingerie? for what? her extra ammo?), elastic waist and matching drawstring...Drinking a cup of coffee or reading the newspaper takes on new meaning when Cabin Fever's collection is your attire (I'll bet...). Available in Break-Up, Max-4 and Blaze Camo. (Decisions, decisions...)

(Speaking of camo...)

Camo Panties

Ideal for any lady who needs to get her man's attention during hunting season (but won't she just blend in with the scenery?? ) 100% cotton bikini-cut panties come in Realtree Advantage (whatever that means...) $9.99

(And now, my personal favorite...)

Coon Panties

A very unique gift idea for the coonhunter's special lady. (I should say!) These bikini-cut panties are available in white. (with a big ol' bushy racoon tail stamped on the rear, dont'cha know...) All sales final. $9.99 (LOL...I can hear it now...Sorry, Becky Jo, but I just can't take 'em back, girl...)

(And, here's a smokin' hot -- and affordably priced -- gift idea for the guys...)

Men's Glow-In-The-Dark Coon Boxers

These boxers were designed exclusively for NiteLite's coonhunters (well, who the hell else would wear them?)...Imagine the look you will receive when you flash the coon's glow-in-the-dark eyes...(yes...just imagine...) $9.99

LOLOLOLOLOL....

Oh, dear...

I could go on...I mean there's the Mossy Oak Break-Up Camo Swimwear, "both sexy and classy; stylish, yet functional"...Or, for your coon huntin' kids...the Kitten KoonerII -- a rechargable hunting light that weighs under 3 pounds...or if you've got some cold hard cash burnin' a hole in your holiday pocket, there's the "Tree My Dog" clock sporting -- as one might suppose -- a walker hound with a treed raccoon. The alarm sounds off with coon hounds barking, hot on the trail, followed by coon squalls. Push the snooze button, and end the hunt with a gunshot...(what will they think of next?) Only $39.99.

But I've got a house to clean this afternoon, and my son is playing a Munchkin farmer in our high school's musical production of "The Wizard of Oz" this evening...

Gotta go.

Only 46 days till Christmas...twang, twang.