FEAR FACTOR

Fire ants?

Waddya mean there are fire ants in South Carolina?

Mary, darling, you never mentioned fire ants.

You said there are lots of tree frogs in Myrtle Beach, and occasionally green lizardy-looking things appear on the outside of your porch screen. I'm totally down with that.

But you never said boo about fire ants.

Really? Pouring Dawn dish soap over a fire ant hill will kill the little biting, stinging creatures?

Whew. Good to know.

Note to self:  Do NOT leave this house without a bottle of Dawn dish soap.

What's that, darling?

Gators?

An occasional gator has been known to wander onto the golf course just beyond your backyard?

Seriously?

Surely you mean the sporty four-wheeled utility vehicle, not the terrifying possibly-up-to-13 ft. long, rounded-snout reptile?

Oh, you do mean the terrifying possibly-up-to-13 ft. long, rounded-snout reptile.

Alrighty then.

Pardon me?

Oh, so gators have poor eyesight, and should I accidentally happen upon one in the backyard, all I have to do is throw a towel or perhaps a spare T-shirt across the gator's eyes to render them stunned, long enough for me to sprint to safety.

Got it.

Note to self: Do NOT leave this house without a towel or spare T-shirt AND a bottle of Dawn dish soap.

Well, guess I better get ready for work.

I'm sorry, darling, I could swear you just said I would have to drive myself to work today. Surely you jest! I mean, I have no clue how to get to the office...and there's all that...that..traffic!

Yes, I know traffic is comparatively nothing now that the tourists are gone for the season. And yes, I used to drive in Cincinnati 5 o'clock rush hour bumper-to-bumper traffic. That was two decades ago. Lest we forget, I've spent those past two decades living in a town of 1,200 where four people at a four-way stop is considered a major traffic jam.

Excuse me?

Yeah, well, my big girl pants are in the wash, thank you very much.

Just joking, darling. Give me the damn car keys.

Note to self: Breathe, Annie. Breathe.

Fire ants, gators and driving! Oh, my!

Toto, we're not in Coon Rapids, Iowa, anymore.