IT'S MY NEMESIS' BIRTHDAY

Happy Birthday, Barbie!

Yes, today is the official "birthday" of everyone's favorite fashion doll -- Barbie.

I hate her.

Always have.

I think my late mother, God rest her soul, hated Barbie, too, cuz she never bought me one. Not one.

Oh, I had a Little Miss Revlon doll -- a hand-me-down from my older sis. And a Babette doll -- the cheap grocery store version of Barbie (yikes).

And I had a Tressy and a Francie -- all Barbie wannabes.

But no Barbie. Until I was 30, and my good friend Linda surprised me with my first Barbie.

Too late.

I stuck her in the attic.

Impossible fashion and figure standards hve been set by that woman -- and frankly, Barbie has not always been the brightest bulb in the pack. Yet somehow she's managed to have some of the most exciting and interesting careers...

How DOES she do it?

Well, more on my nemesis later.

Must get to my job...doubt very much you'll ever see a Grocery Schlepper Barbie...

WELL-BEHAVED WOMEN RARELY MAKE HISTORY

THANK GOD FOR CLARENCE BIRDSEYE

TV dinners.

Boil-in-bag lasagna.

Frozen pizza, waffles, pancakes.

Where would my family be today if not for the wonders of frozen food?

Starved, I tell you. We'd be be starved.

Well, not really. John is the cook in the family -- and an excellent one, I might add.

But those days when John is working overtime or out of town...and it's Mama's turn to cook...well, nothing beats a frozen Tony's Pizza.

Just ask my son, Daniel.

Let's just say that Clarence Birdseye, the beloved Father of Frozen Foods (he developed the flash-freeze method that makes all our lives a little easier today), is a patron saint at our house.

One of my husband's favorite memories from the early days of our marriage is the time he was bedridden up in our loft bedroom, and had to rely on me to bring him up a meal. What to do? Frozen boil-in-bag lasagna ( drop bag in boiling water for 5 min.), as it turns out, was the frozen food entree du jour.

Sad thing was, I was somehow distracted, boiled the sucker dry, and poor John was a mighty hungry man that night...

I believe that instance was the impetus for the Swanson HungryMan frozen dinner line, but I can't say for sure...

Anyway, today is National Frozen Food Day, so celebrate accordingly.

If your husband asks you out for a fancy dinner, protest alluringly and whisper seductively in his good ear, "Sorry, darling, but it's National Frozen Food Day. We're having Stouffer's Frozen Meat Lasagna."

And then watch the romantic sparks fly!

WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS GO DOWN THE TUBES

by Ann Kult

Twenty-seven years ago today, my husband met the woman of his dreams...

And then he met me.

Badabump.

No, seriously, folks...We met at a local eatery during an afterwork get-together...it was a Tuesday...

"Once upon a March 4th dreary..."

It was a snowy day -- not as snowy as the past few days here in Iowa -- but it was snowing...

"He, a carpenter, strong and able,
Happened by the writer's table..."

John and I have been through a few career changes since then...more than two decades of marriage, of course, bring with them more than career changes.

I'd be lying if I said we'd never faced any challenges or tough times in our relationship...

But nothing can come between two lovebirds faster than the debate over that age-old rascally relationship wrecker, the toothpaste tube. Well, maybe the whole "toilet seat up or down" issue, but that's fodder for another column.

Anyway...Here's to decades-long relationships and the sense of humor required to make them last!

"Quothe the carpenter and the writer...'Evermore.' "