Waddya Mean 'No Gels'?

Hold the flippin' iPod and pour out the British Gatorade.

You mean to tell me that because of the (thankfully) foiled terrorist plot, I can no longer pack my hair gel in my carry-on bag? WHAT? Do Tony Blair, George W, Homeland Security, et al, truly expect me to stash not only my hair gel, but my beloved shampoo, mousse, root lifter, a plethora of perfume bottles, anti-aging lotions and skin-softening potions -- not to mention my trusty packed-to-the-gills makeup bag -- in my checked luggage? And risk having the airlines LOSE my entire morning beauty regimen between Des Moines and Cincinnati?

Are they nuts?

Obviously, it was a man -- or men -- who made that new security measure decision. Why, just imagine the thousands of dollars in health and beauty products that got pitched, and the millions of women who bitched as they were forced by airport security to hand over their economy size Oil of Olay Regenerating Hydrating Dear God-Make-Me-Look-20-Again-Cuz-I'm Worth-It-Damn-It Fluid.

Talk about terrifying! Sakes alive! I mean, sure, take away our iPods, take away our laptops, take our shoes, our fingernail clippers, and certainly our fingernail files and box cutters. But don't mess with our hair gels, etc. A woman without her beauty regimen safely beside her, above her in the plane's overhead compartment, or below her seat tucked safely between her feet, is a woman who is, in effect, a ticking time bomb. Especially if the airlines lose her checked luggage -- which is, I am afraid, apt to happen now and again.

I am not making light about the horrific lengths terrorists will go in planning and scheming ways to sneak explosives on board an airliner. I realize that under last night's emergency circumstances, what else could airline security personnel do BUT make everybody toss their toothpaste, shaving cream, water, etc. as they passed through security in order to ensure that travelers were safe in the aftermath of discovering the terrorists' ruthless plot.

But show me a woman without her gel in her carry-on-- or worrying about her gel not meeting her at the luggage carousel -- and I will show you an agitated, aggravated, absolutely unpredictable passenger capable of, well, I shudder to think.

Oh, heck-schmeck. Maybe it will become easier to pack for a flight this way. I never can decide which perfume (I layer scents), hairspray (maximum or medium hold?), flavored toothpaste (vanilla or cinnamon?), deodorant (solid or invisible or invisible solid?), or body lotion (Sweet Pea, Cherry Blossom or Moonlight Path?) to take with me when I travel. Besides, I get bored with my old makeup anyway. I'll just leave all that toiletry crap at home and buy new after my plane lands. Then I'll wrap it all up and leave the stuff for my friends to divvy up between them as early birthday or Christmas presents.

A costly plan, yes. Do airport security personnel realize how much even the cheapest do-it-yourself micro dermabrasion scrub costs? But then again, what price homeland security?

Yes, ladies, we CAN do this. There's more than one way to travel with our hair gel. Either leave the gel and its cosmetic cohorts at home and prepare to sign your children's college savings away in order to buy new upon landing (and do remember to re-gift) or stash your anti-aging cache in your checked luggage, cross your fingers it won't get lost, and double up on the Lexapro.

One way or the other, it's bound to be a bumpy ride.

Bon Voyage!